I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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