I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
