I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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