My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
time to smoke my breakfast
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
