just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
