its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
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