I looked at my own cervix.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
It's rum buckets o'clock
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
