who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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