Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
