I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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