i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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