i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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