found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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