I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
