even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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