She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
