Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
