I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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