So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
