My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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