I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize