Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
