I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
