i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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