I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
