I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
