I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
