I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
