Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
