I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
