I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
