dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
