My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
