I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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