Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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