She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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