Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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