You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
