got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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