you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
