I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
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Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
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She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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