a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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