All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
