bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
