just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
they're like a gay fantastic four
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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