My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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