The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize