Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
