I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
