guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
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