My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
