trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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